Release Date: 3/96, 9/96, 3/08
Album: CLOSET POP FREAK, KEEP YOURSELF AMUSED, DAYLIGHT KISSING NIGHT
Writer: ADAM MARSLAND
The worst case is the suitcase
And from this point on it will be my raison d'etre
Goodbye, I'm sorry, forgive me, etc. etc.
Who knows why
When you cry until your stomach's aching
The crushing weight of convictions shaken
There are some hurts just to big to take in
Walk to the street in dawning grey
And put the car in gear
Bitter pictures fade away
And I just disappear
The great escape is the interstate
And the pink horizons rising on four lanes
And underneath a broken man's belief
That flight makes right, like the headlights
On passing trains in darkest night
Moving forward without destination
Pass from sight
Away from black impenetration
Arriving at the brightest stations
"Disappear" wound up being one of my most popular songs, which is funny because it grew out of a jam session with Kurt and I didn't think much of it to begin with. I didn't like it at first but it grew on me, which is good because I've probably played it more than any other song I've ever written.
The lyrics are about the idea that when your life falls out from under you and you have nothing to live for, you always have the option to pick up and leave and just say screw it, because you no longer have anything to lose. It was inspired partly by Courtney Love's reaction to Kurt Cobain's suicide note ("you can just stop!"), partly by Jeffrey Irons' movie DAMAGE, and partly by a road trip to Colorado where some of this was written. The protagonist of "Disappear" basically just takes off one day and this is the mental note he's writing to the people he's leaving behind. In my mind he's lost his family in a car wreck, and he's staying with his sister and they're all really worried about him, and he can't stand it anymore so he just gets out. But it's really about loss and the freedom of travel, and as such this song was the basis for the entire LUDLOW 6:18 album.
The recording on KEEP YOURSELF AMUSED is the same that appeared on our original demo that was cut at IRS Studios which was later a part of the scene-defining CLOSET POP FREAK compilation that came out in 1996, with a different (but still bad) lead vocal and extra guitars. Thus it's the only appearance by Kurt Medlin on the first two Cockeyed Ghost albums, appropriate since he was there at the song's inception.
Like a lot of early Cockeyed Ghost songs, this one was probably a bit too self-consciously rocking and my lead vocal is crap to boot. For that reason, it was one of the tracks earmarked to be recut for the DAYLIGHT KISSING NIGHT compilation. The 2007 version for the first time features a decent lead vocal (due in no small part to Evie singing half of it, taking over Rob Cassell's vocal from the original) and while it basically adheres to the original arrangement, it's in time and in tune, so where the first version was kind of spastic, this is more spread out and, hopefully, majestic.
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